


It’s a Honking Homestuck Au

by youthofpandas



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Dimitri Zahhak, Edelgard Peixes, Felix Serket, Gen, Hilda Moolah, Hubert Makara, Hubert gets drunk (off soda), I’m not sorry for my sins, Lysithea Captor, Mention of blood, alternate universe - homestuck, many mentions of clowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 21:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youthofpandas/pseuds/youthofpandas
Summary: Hubert Makara takes a walk around the place and exchanges some words with fellow trolls. He just wants more faygo.





	It’s a Honking Homestuck Au

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u to the discord server that not only inspired me but gave me the strength to post this. I’m not sorry for this <3!

“It’s all about the motherfuckin miracle that is the empire, my wicked sister,” Hubert Makara, the empress's most loyal juggalo, said.

“Shut the fuck up about miracles for once in your stupid, brainless life,” Lysithea Captor, a hacker prodigy and massively powerful psionic, groaned. She had a lisp that was especially prominent on S’s.

“Don’t make me remind you of your place, kiddo,” he said with a laugh, taking a large swig from his 2 liter grape faygo.

“You can sure fucking try, you scrub,” she spat, “Need I remind you I could destroy you with a flick of the hand?”

“Oh don’t I motherfuckin know it, sis! It’s a miracle, really.”

“It’s not a miracle, I’m gonna be turned into a fucking battery at age 20 where I’ll be crushed like a bug and die!” Red and blue sparks of energy swirled around her and her shock white hair floated up.

“Wooooah, calm down there, I ain’t trying to start shit with ya,” Hubert said, then tilted his head down to let shadows fall over his face, “But I will if you want me to.”

Lysithea turned down her powers with a sigh. Laser eye beams were great and powerful and all but versus a clown? She’d have equal luck beating him to death with a rolled up newspaper.

“I’m gonna go back to my room and give some loser normie a virus,” she said, “And don’t fucking follow me you disgusting little clown.”

“Honk,” he honked sadly.

Hubert sat alone, honking to himself every once in a while and downing the rest of his faygo quickly. He got up slowly, stretching to his full clown height. Normally he would prefer to slouch like most other clowns, but he knew it would make Lady Edelgard look bad if he did.

“Oh hi Hubert!” Hilda Moolah, a popular wrestler who never seems to actually get in the ring, calls out to him as they pass in the hall.

“What’s popping, sister?” he asks, popping the p at the start of the word.

“Same old, same old,” she answered cheerily, “There’s a match tonight and I’m gonna do my best to end it quickly, so I can’t really recommend watching it, but you can if you want!”

“Sounds like a great motherfucking time. Will it be a death match?”

“Well of course it will be silly! I’m just gonna rip of the fuckers head and go back to enjoying the spotlight without working,” she said with a giggle.

“Good luck, my sister!” he said and went about his way.

“You fucking boar!” A voice rung out through the halls. It could only belong to one person: Felix Serket. He was absurdly proud of himself and known to be a mythic bitch.

“Can you stop calling me that!” An exasperated Dimitri Zahhak yelled back. He was the prince of the kingdom of land dwellers that foolishly rebelled against the empire, he couldn’t go a day without breaking something.

Hubert walked towards the voices, he wasn’t a fan of being around the prince but it was amusing to watch him and Felix bicker.

“You’re a, like, massive bitch! I don’t understand how anyone could bare being around you!” Felix snarled, hitting his so called friend hard with the sword held in his hand.

“You’re gonna make quite the motherfuking mess, huh?” Hubert said, leaning against the frame of the door.

“He can’t go a damn day without giving me a new scar,” Dimitri muttered, pressing a grey hand to his arm and finding his bright blue blood staining it.

“If a motherfucker ain’t loyal to ya, you should just kill ‘em,” he chuckled, making a motion across his neck with a thumb.

“If he did that he wouldn’t have any people left, he’d cut them all down one by one! Only Dedue still be by his side,” Felix said with a sneer, “I thought I had problems making friends but it’s better than being a lying piece of shit.”

“Get over yourself will you?” Dimitri yelled, hitting Felix hard enough with a training lance that his ribs snapped.

“I’m gonna leave you two motherfuckers to that,” Hubert said, “If I see jade blood I’ll be sure to send her over.”

“Thanks for nothing you shitty clown,” Felix hissed.

“A pleasure!” he said with a wave, exiting to go find more faygo.

Edelgard Pexies, the next in line to be empress, returned home to find Hubert shit faced on soda, far from a rare sight. She poked him with the tip of her foot and he made a strangled honk. She’d wait until morning to ask him to fill out some paperwork.


End file.
